Intimacy and Sexual Desire

Many people ask me what the most common sexual difficulty is. Without a doubt, low sexual desire or libido is the most common in Australia and certainly the most common referral to me. This is particularly problematic in a relationship, where the partner has a higher libido, which is often termed mismatched libidos. This difficulty often leads to a lot of conflict and hurt within the relationship, with one person feeling rejected and as though their partner is not attracted to them, while the other feels pressured and as though their partner only wants them for sex.

A study has just been published that looks at the relationship between intimacy and sexual desire and they found that it is not so much intimacy that is important, but actually responsiveness.  If one person has had a tough day at work and they come home to debrief with their partner, who tells them "yes we all have bad days", then this tends to lead to less sexual desire and a withdrawal. On the other hand, if the partner validates the tough day at work and listens, then this is likely to lead to more connectedness and, in turn, an increase in sexual desire. Listening has long been known to be important in effective communication and social connectedness, but now we now its also important for sexual desire. Check out the study and see what you think!