Relationships after baby

Having a baby is one of the most significant things a couple can do together. The journey through pregnancy is often exciting and full of anticipation for that first moment when you will look into your baby's eyes. Couples often report feeling well-connected through pregnancy, with so many occasions to share together, such as ultrasounds, baby showers, shopping for new bub and putting together the new bub's space. Then the day of birth arrives and again, it is often full of excitement and connection.

But then, you have a new baby to care for and, eventually, the visitors stop providing constant distraction and offers of support. There are the countless sleepless nights - a torture that no one actually understands until they have been through it - as well as the exhaustion that simply comes from having to think about, and care for, another human being 24 hours per day, 7 days a week. There are usually differences in roles, no matter how hard you try for it to be equal. One person usually has to return to work sooner than the other. There are so many changes - financial, emotional, sexual, physical. For most couples, this is where the challenge begins. Resentment, anger, grief, despair. Unless you have some tight strategies to deal with these challenges, its enough  to lead to conflict and breakdown. I have heard from many couples who report the time after their baby is born as the most difficult time in their lives. They report constant arguing, lack of intimacy, lack of sexual touch, lack of touch in general, not wanting to spend time together and stone-walling. Research actually suggests that the first 3 years, after a baby is born, is the least satisfaction a couple will have in their relationship.

So how can this period be made easier? Here are my top 5 tips:

1. Talk it out - this is a time when people report feeling the most isolated and that can lead to withdrawal. Don't stop talking to your partner about how you feel. In fact, make it a regular part of your day. Make a time, that suits you both EVERY day, for a check in. If you have been arguing with your partner, take time to cool down but then come back to the conversation.
2. LISTEN - this is in capitals as I cant stress it enough. Listening to your partner is one of the most helpful things you can do for your relationship. All of us want to feel heard and validated by our partners. When I say listen, I don't mean being quiet until your partner has stopped talking and then carrying on with what you want to say. I mean actually hearing and understanding what your partner has to say - even if you don't agree with it or see things in a different way. Practice listening and telling your partner what you have heard them say, so they can see if you're understanding their perspective.
3. Book time together - this may mean organising a baby-sitter or even booking the time for when your baby is sleeping. Do something you enjoy together. This could be playing cards or cooking a meal together, seeing a movie or visiting a museum or art gallery. This is about re-connecting as a couple. Sometimes becoming parents changes roles and its important to remember that you were partners before you became co-parents. Remember what it was that you enjoyed doing together and make time to do that.
4. Be intimate - this doesn't necessarily mean having sex. Sometimes just laying on the bed or lounge, talking or gently touching each other is enough to 'top up the intimacy cup'. Or it could mean sex or some kind of sexual activity. A woman's body can feel very different after having a baby so it's important to take your time and explore your body, getting to know what turns it on and off.
5. Take time for yourself - this may sound strange in an article about relationships, however self-care is actually extremely important in a healthy relationship. Our partner cannot provide all that we need, no matter how much we would like them to. You can only have enough energy for your partner, by looking after yourself. Have your partner watch the baby while you take a bath, go for a walk, see a friend. Sometimes having even half an hour to yourself, to sit in the sun and have a cup of tea, can be enough to re-charge and be able to look at things with fresh eyes.