Relationships in Isolation

Wow, what a few weeks it has been. We have gone from living our usual lives to now considering how far away we are from each other, what are the work-from-home arrangements, how to juggle school-aged kids now being at home, how do I add ‘teacher’ into the many hats that I hold, who are we allowed to see, can we go there and is it really essential??!!

Time to take a big deep breath. Lets sit for a minute and have a look at this situation. Our lives are topsy-turvy. We are finding ourselves thinking in a way that we have never needed to. The one thing that is more contagious than COVID-19 is anxiety. And let me tell you, anxiety is the least helpful thing when it comes to relationships. Anxiety makes people withdraw, control, yell, do too much, do too little and it generally makes us feel terrible. All of a sudden, we are likely spending more time with our beloved in an extremely stressful situation, which is likely leading to all kinds of conflict.

Here are my 5 top tips for getting your relationship through isolation and the COVID-19 situation.

1. Take a big deep breath. Notice where you are holding your breath - does it feel like it is getting down to your belly or are you noticing that it has been sitting high in your chest and shoulders? Self-awareness in this situation is crucial. Notice how tense or stressed you are, as this is likely impacting your behaviour and your interaction with your partner. And if you are holding stress, your partner is likely stressed as well. Name the stress and share it with one another. Let them know where you are at and how you are behaving.

2. Talk about your needs - your partner may think that all this extra time together means extra snuggle time, but perhaps you actually need some time alone rather than being together constantly. Maybe you need to have a private Skype call with your friend so you can debrief without your partner hearing you. Maybe you actually do need an extra snuggle, but your not really interested in sexual touch right now. When we can identify and communicate our needs, this gives our partner a way to be, which stops them from needing to assume our needs.

3. Use this time to re-visit shared hopes and goals - think about what you had wanted in the earlier years of the relationship and do an audit of where you are now. Is there anything you are wanting to work toward with your partner? This time can be an opportunity to go deeper in conversation than perhaps what has been possible amongst the daily grind.

4. Engage in some quality sexual time - now is the time to create some space to allow for extra touch that maybe you have forgotten about. There are 5 types of touch - affection (kissing, holding hands), sensual (a longer cuddle while on the lounge, touch while going to sleep or waking up), playful (a shower together, massage that includes genital touch), erotic (genital touch that includes with hands, oral or with toys) and intercourse touch. This is a good time to look at what touch is regular in the relationship and perhaps which touch you may be missing.

5. Go easy on each other and yourself - this is an extremely stressful and odd time. Finances may be impacted, children may be in different routines, work may have changed. This is the time to practice pressing the pause button and not reacting to stressors but rather choosing how to respond.

Time in isolation may be highlighting some difficulties within the relationship that you may like to get some help with. I am currently offering face-to-face and online appointments, get in contact if I can help.

The Perpetual Problems in Relationships

John and Julie Gottman are considered gurus in couple’s therapy, having developed their own model of therapy used by relationship therapists worldwide. One of their key concepts is that of ‘Perpetual Problems’ in relationships. They say that every relationship has them, the issues that constantly end in gridlock and are a consistent source of conflict within the relationship. Some examples might include aspects of finances, family, parenting. Most people can tell you what they consistently argue with their partner about.

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Some couples I see think that a result of counselling will be being able to resolve all issues. The fact is that this is incorrect. Certainly, there are issues that will be solvable and that we can work through in counselling but, there are also problems which do not have a solution that is reasonable for either person. However, this doesn’t mean that there isn’t ways in which communication of these issues can change.

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You see, many people come to counselling because they have been unable to effectively communicate about the issues or problems that they are facing. They are becoming stuck in criticism and defensiveness and the conflict itself is usually causing immense distress for both partners, as well as their children and sometimes friends and family. For many people, it isn’t the content of the argument itself that is distressing, it is the actual communication about the issues. This cannot be more true for perpetual problems, as usually after many years of gridlock, the frustration and resentment is high. When emotions run high, we are more likely to use an aggressive tone in our voice, use language that is offensive and critical of the other person and just be all-round difficult to converse with. This will often lead to the person feeling flooded and no longer in control of what they are saying, which often leads to stonewalling by one or both people. Thus; gridlocked.

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The thing is with perpetual problems is that when we get down to the nitty-gritty of the problem, it turns out that the problem is linked to a person’s dreams that they have for themselves, their partner and their family unit. An example might be a constant argument about finances. One person believes they should be able to spend what they like within reason, whilst the other person is highly committed to a budget and values saving over spending. They often get into arguments about this, believing that the other person is against them. When we are able to look beyond the content of the argument e.g. different spending and saving habits, then we are able to look at the dreams that inform this behaviour. For the person who values saving, they are seeking security and comfort in their future, whilst the one who values spending is seeking freedom and enjoyment. Security, comfort, freedom and enjoyment are likely to be shared dreams between both people, however they are gridlocked discussing individual behaviour. In counselling, we are able to establish the dreams behind the conflict which then opens up new ways of discussing and compromising.

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If you feel that you and your partner are locked in a perpetual problem, feel free to make an appointment to see if we can unlock the dream behind the conflict.

Kristen

PART 2: The last frontier of recovery from sexual assault

Last week we started the conversation about managing feeling triggered by sexual activity, when you have experienced sexual assault. We have covered what to do before you have sex, today we are talking about what to do during sex and how to promote a healthy sex life in the long term. If you need a recap on Part 1 click here.. 

So you have prepared yourself well and feel ready to move onto sexual activity with a partner? Here's what to do to manage feeling triggered during sex:

- Be mindful - this word gets bounced around a lot and sometimes people confuse it for meditation, but being mindful is really just about being in the moment. Allow yourself to notice what you see, hear, feel, taste and smell while you are with your partner. Practice just noticing what is happening, without any judgement of yourself. If you notice a critical or worry thought, just notice it and come back to what you can feel. Getting into your head, or spectatoring, is the biggest killer of arousal and is guaranteed to stop you feeling pleasure. 

- Go at your pace - don't feel as though you have to try every position or do everything that you could be doing. Notice what you enjoy and what turns you on and stick with that. 

- Stop and reset if you need to - if you notice that you are starting to feel anxious, distressed or out of your body, STOP. Let your partner know you would like to take a minute and lay together (or whatever plan you made for this situation before you started). If you would like, you can gently touch your partner's arm or other part of their body that feels safe, and allow them to do this to you. Focus on lengthening your breath and using grounding strategies to come back to here and now. Restart if you feel ready again, but also know that you don't have to. This is all about going with what you feel ok with. 

If all has gone well and you feel you have had success, afterward it is really important to reflect on that. Think about what you liked, what went well and re-play this in your mind. Re-imagine the positive emotion that you experienced and allow yourself to experience it every time you think about being with your partner sexually. This helps the brain re-wire itself so that sexual activity isn't so anxiety-provoking in future. If you feel that things could have been different, also reflect on this and make a plan for next time, keeping in mind that this is a journey and can take time. 

The worst thing that you can do in the long term is avoid sex, if sex is somthing you would like in your life. Avoidance re-inforces to the brain that sex is scary and unsafe, which will maintain the anxiety. It's really important to notice that sex and sexual assault are two very different things, even though the physical act can feel and look similar. Sexual assault is about power, control and disconnection whereas healthy sex creates connection, intimacy and is fun. 

At the end of the day, taking control of your sexual self after you have experienced a sexual assault is really tricky and I would highly recommend you work with a professional, if you are finding it difficult to have an enjoyable sex life, after experiencing sexual assault. Feel free to give me a call if you would like to arrange an appointment or talk about what I can do to help. 

Part 1: The Last Frontier of Recovery from Sexual Assault

Engaging in intimacy and sexual activity when you have experienced sexual assault can be one of the more daunting aspects of healing. When I worked for a sexual assault service, the general consensus was that finding a healthy sexuality and sexual relationship was the 'last frontier' of recovery, after all the more obvious trauma responses had been addressed. It was also the area that most counsellors lacked confidence and that people in general are not comfortable to talk about, therefore counselling would often finish before it had been discussed. 

For many survivors of sexual assault, engaging in sexual activity can be like re-living the assault. Often the vulnerability of being touched while naked can be so triggering and can cause a trauma response. Lots of people tell me they experience a 'freeze' response, or they don't feel in their bodies while having sex with their partner. This often leaves the person feeling as though they are never going to recover. I also hear survivors of sexual assault talk about when they are triggered, during sexual activity, they feel embarrassed to tell their partner so they just continue. When this happens, there is a high potential for creating a sexual difficulty, due to the likelihood of experiencing pain or forming pathways in your brain which will block enjoyment of sex. I also worry about this causing further trauma and thus, exacerbating any trauma responses the person may already be experiencing. This is very tricky to address and I highly recommend you do so with the help of a professional. However, if you are wanting some ideas on where to start, here are my tips on how to promote a healthy sex life, when you have previously experienced a sexual assault:

Before: 

- Learn how to be present - this is the number one rule for recovering from trauma and managing triggers. Learning how to be 'here and now' enables you to develop safety, by allowing your brain to realise there is no danger to your safety right now. When you are triggered by a sight, sound, taste, touch or smell, it is your brain activating a memory of something being dangerous. Learning how to ground yourself, focus on your breath or focus on an object helps your brain and body know that you are safe now. This is really important for general wellbeing, but also for sexual activity. 

- Before even being with a partner, spend time getting to know your own likes and dislikes. This may include how you like the room to be set up, what you like to wear or not wear, how you like to be touched. Lots of people find that starting with self-exploration is the safest place to start, as you are in total control and don't need to worry about someone else. 

- Assess if your partner is supportive - even if you don't want to disclose, you can get an understanding of their likelihood of being supportive in the event that you needed them to be. How attentive are they to your needs? Do you feel pushed into having sex or performing certain sexual acts? How do they talk about other people who have difficulties, do they seem judgemental of them or do they speak in a positive and respectful way? If you are noticing any 'red flags' that tell you not to trust this person, this is a good indication that they are not the person to be starting a sexual relationship with.

- Set the stage for being able to communicate likes & dislikes - maybe even start with non-sexual touch to practice communication about touch, if you feel comfortable to do so. Touch parts of your partner's body and allow them to touch you. Being explicit about what you like is always helpful, saying things like "that feels good" "I like that". If you aren't liking something, direct your partner and say "I like it better when you do this..." 

- Check in with yourself - how are you feeling? Are you noticing any tension or anxiety in your body? Anything that will tell you that you need to slow down? Managing your own anxiety during sexual activity is so important, so that you can be aware of when you need to slow down or take a break. 

Stay tuned for Part 2 where I talk about managing triggers during sex and how to promote a healthy sex life in the long term...

Anxiety & Sex

Anxiety around sex is one of the most common issues there are and it can often lead to avoidance or not being your true self when it comes to sex with a partner. 

There are loads of factors which cause anxiety. Some of the most common are worry about how your body looks (is my tummy wobbling, do I look funny down there, is my penis big enough ??!!), worry about being judged by your partner (are they going to think I'm crap in bed, are they going to think I'm a 'slut'??!!), worry about performance (what if I can't get it up or keep it up, what if I don't come??!!) and worry about pain, when pain has previously been an issue. These types of worry fall into 2 categories; worry about what may happen in the future and, what we call, spectatoring. Spectatoring is when we are watching ourselves doing something and critiquing how we are doing it, rather than just focussing on the task at hand and immersing ourself in the sensory experience of it. 

The experience of anxiety is normal and vital to our survival as human beings. The part of the brain which sends off an anxiety response in the body is the first part of the brain to develop and we have it in common with every species on the planet. We need it when it comes to responding to a legitimate threat, like when we see a snake or are threatened by another person. It can also be really helpful when we need to have some pressure on ourselves, like when we have to complete something important, but we aren't necessarily keen to do it. Think when you have a deadline to meet, like an assignment due at work or uni, its actually anxiety which helps you to complete it. You worry about the consequences if you dont get it done, which actually creates the pressure to get it done. 

On the other hand, anxiety can be really unhelpful. The anxiety response itself is not a pleasant sensation. Heart pounding, shortness of breath, feeling shaky, brain-fog, sweaty palms. None of us want to feel this, so we tend to avoid any situation that produces these sensations. Sometimes even just thinking about a situation can produce this response and therefore we avoid it. This happens with sex, just as much as it can happen with public speaking, going to a new gym or going on a first date. The issue with anxiety and sex is that it blocks the body from being able to properly prepare for sex. It gets in the way of lubrication, blood flow and hormones. This can actually then lead you to have an unplesant experience of sex. Then, the brain thinks that sex is unpleasant and wires itself to respond to the unpleasantness, by creating anxiety and leading you to avoid sex. It's actually a cycle, which can be quite difficult to break. Here are my top 5 tips on breaking the cycle: 

1. Develop awareness on what is happening in your body leading up to and during sex. Notice any thoughts you have about sex and any body sensations. Are you thinking about sex in a negative way? Are you noticing your heart rate increase or your breathing shortens? Do you have a sense of dread? 

2. Practice relaxing your body. Start by taking deep breaths, at least 4 seconds to inhale, pause, then 4 seconds to exhale. Imagine your breath going into each part of your body and releases any tension that exists. Or you could progressively relax each muscle group, starting in your feet tense your toes and foot then allow it to relax, before moving upward in your body. 

3. Allow yourself time to become fully aroused before you have intercourse. Spend time touching your partner and allowing them to touch you, exploring what you both like or not. Engage in 'outercourse', which is everything other than intercourse. Some examples of giving and receiving oral sex, massaging each other, using your fingers to explore one another. Do not move on to intercourse until you both feel adequately aroused (this can take 25 minutes + for a woman).

4. Intercourse is only one part of an enjoyable sexual relationship, there are many other aspects which can be explored. Expand your sexual repertoire by researching other types of play that you may enjoy. We have other body parts other than a vagina and penis! 

5. Do not proceed with sex if you aren't ready. This sounds obvious but it never ceases to surprise me how many people keep going, due to not wanting to upset their partner or embarrassment or just not realising they should stop. This actually will maintain the problem as you wont enjoy it and it could cause pain, which then tells the brain that sex is a threat and on we go with the anxiety. Have a discussion with your partner about what you can do if your just not feeling it, so that you can both be prepared for this case. 

Anxiety is one of the main issues that sex therapists see so there's no need to be shy, come on in so we can start working on getting control of it and you can start enjoying a healthy sex life!

When we put people in power..

I was shocked and distress over the past couple of weeks to hear about one of the leaders in the field of trauma being stood down due to bullying allegations. Bessel Van Der Kolk has long been beheld as one of the leaders in trauma research and can be credited for changing the way most of us practice. It is absolutely unacceptable for anyone to bully others, but it stings so much more when the person bullying is someone very well versed in the impact of harm to others. Anybody working in trauma, due to the nature of the work, has a strong understanding of themselves and witnesses first hand what happens, when we treat others in ways that are anything less than with respect and dignity. To then cause harm through actions or words is absolutely unacceptable. 

It did get me thinking however. We have so much work to do to change how power is held and abused, and yes this can be about the broader issues of patriarchy and abuse of women, as well as just the lack of empathy when one person harms another. But what about those of us who put these people in power? Van Der Kolk has contributed ground-breaking research, which has changed lives and has changed the way those in therapy roles practice. There is no doubt that that is a fantastic contribution. But the way in which Van Der Kolk was revered and admired may have actually contributed to this abuse of power. 

Research shows that when we are given power, that as human beings, we are more likely to take risks we otherwise wouldn't have due to a sense of being invincible and not only that, but our empathy for others actually decreases. Empathy is what stops us from doing harm to others. Being able to understand what it may be like for someone else if we were to put them down, yell at them, humiliate them, is what actually prevents most of us from engaging in that behaviour. Empathy allows us to put ourselves in another shoes. When a bully bullies, they are not considering what this is like for the person they are bullying. They can only have an understanding if they are self-aware and also if they are given the opportunity to understand.  However, a person being bullied is far less likely to speak up about how the behaviour is impacting them, if the bully is a person who is admired by others or otherwise has power. The mix of having power and admiration of others is actually the perfect storm where bullying behaviour can occur, which is likely why so many people in powerful positions, like Van Der Kolk, are being caught out. 

For us to change this behaviour, we all have a role to play, not just the person who is bullying. We need to consider how admiration and placing people on pedestals actually sets them up to be in a position where they are more likely to harm others. In our everyday lives, we also need to speak up about the impact of the way in which those who have power treat others. I can't tell you how many times I have witnessed examples of this. Most recently, I was waiting for my morning coffee when the owner of a cafe reprimanded the barista in front of me. I could see the barista was embarrassed and doing his best to continue to focus on the task of making coffee. Regardless of the actual issue, it was the way in which he was spoken to and in front of customers. A couple of weeks later I noticed he is no longer working there. In hindsight, I should have spoken up and named the inappropriateness of her behaviour and suggested she discuss any issues in a more private setting. It would have led to me feeling awkward and uncomfortable in that moment but maybe it would have led to a change in how that owner manages her staff. Like many things, this is a matter of discomfort now for bigger change later. That is my commitment and how I will work on stamping out bullying behaviour. I encourage you to do the same. 

What is Sex Therapy and What it Isn't

When I tell people that I am a Sex Therapist, one of the most common responses is a raise of the eyebrows and a cheeky smile, before asking what it is I actually do. Thanks to loads of movies, tv shows and some confusion within the field of Sex Therapy itself, there isn't a great understanding of what a Sex Therapist does. We all remember Greg Focker's mum in Meet The Fockers, or Marion in Kath & Kim, or more recently, Tricia on Married at First Sight and while these roles have been great entertainment, they aren't an accurate representation of what happens in Sex Therapy. 

Sex Therapy is just like any other type of counseling: we talk about a problem a person is having and use a range of strategies to address the problem. I usually ask a lot of questions to help me get a good understanding of what exactly is happening and how it is impacting on the person and their partner, if they have one. We sometimes will develop a timeline or look at how the family system has contributed to the development of beliefs around sex. Usually, this is the first step in addressing the problem, as the person is able to gain a better understanding of how the problem has developed and what keeps it going. We then try a range of strategies including changing thought patterns, practicing mindfulness, suggesting activities to try, communication changes, challenging beliefs. It is different for everybody and what works for some doesn't necessarily work for others, so it's important to keep discussing how a strategy is going. Sometimes the person's partner joins a session and we are able to develop an action plan that the partner is a part of. For example, we need a partner to be on board when using Sensate Focus, which is a staged model of touch.

We also address other issues which are getting in the way of sexual wellbeing, including anxiety, depression, relationship issues, previous trauma etc. Often, sex therapy highlights the other issue that is actually causing the sexual problem. For example, young men experiencing premature ejaculation are usually experiencing anxiety. While we may suggest some strategies to address the premature ejaculation itself (e.g. stop-start method, squeeze method), we will actually provide therapy to address the anxiety. 

However, in Sex Therapy there are a few things we NEVER do:

- Touch - of any kind. This means the therapist does not touch the client, nor does the client touch the therapist. To be clear, sex therapists will not help you by having sex with you. 

- Watch you have sex - a therapist does not actually need to SEE what is happening in order to help you. This means we dont need to see you have sex in the room or on any kind of recording. We ask questions so we have an understanding of what is happening and this is all that is needed. 

- Talk about their own sex life - this is just a no-no as it blurs the boundaries of therapy. From time to time a therapist may talk about a personal example of something in their life, however personal details of a sex therapist's own sexuality or sexual behaviour are not spoken about. It's just not helpful for anyone. 

If you would like more information about what happens in a sex therapy session, feel free to get in contact! 

Have we been hoodwinked?

I have written on this blog about sexual desire in relationships and particularly, the lack of sexual desire in long-term relationships. It seems to be such a common issue and one that causes much distress. I invite you to think about what we grow up expecting of a relationship. What is the story we are told about relationships? 

For me, I think of the ideal of being in a long-term relationship where you experience that feeling of being known, really known, by your partner. That you will feel loved, wanted, worthy, attractive. That your sense of connection and love will only grow over time. That all of this will equate to beautiful, passionate sex. That when children come along, this will only increase the sense of connection. HA HA HA I hear you say! But what actually gives us this impression?

I suppose it starts with the stories we are told as children. If you think about the classic fairy tales that every child hears - Cinderella, Snow White, Beauty & the Beast - all of them end with and they lived happily ever after. All the rom-coms we grew up with - Sleepless in Seattle, Pretty Woman, When Harry Met Sally - they too portray a certain image of relationships. Lets not even get started on the gender stereotypes they promote. When you are growing up, most of us aren't told about the pressures of being with one person for the long-term. Of coming together with someone who may have grown up in a very different way to you, who may have different values, different ways of communicating, different goals, different ways of coping with stress. Then add in the stresses of life - money, children, ageing parents, work - and we are expected to cope with all of this and maintain a passionate, romantic and sexy relationship. No wonder most of us feel like its unachievable. In reality, amongst the grind of daily life, something has to give and its not uncommon for that to be sexual desire. 

Desire is an interesting beast. It thrives on excitement, spontaneity, distance, mystery. And yet, we expect it to be there when we feel comfortable, close, connected and at ease in our long-term relationship. Its just not realistic. Sometimes, in order to re-ignite desire we actually have to change how we are in our relationships. Here are my top 3 tips for re-igniting sexual desire:

1. Create the distance that desire craves - start to look for time apart from your partner. Participate in an activity independently. For example, start a challenge at your gym or join a book club. If you usually spend every minute of the weekend with your partner, start to arrange some lunch dates with friends instead. Sometimes we expect that, for close-ness in a relationship, we have to be doing everything together. We don't. We need to maintain lives outside of our relationship so there can be opportunity for mystery, for you to miss each other and for you to be able to develop your own identity. 

2. Try something new - I mean something sexy. Some examples may be: send cheeky text messages, write a note with what you would like to do your partner and leave it somewhere to surprise them (in their lunchbox is a cheeky spot), buy some new underwear that is different to your usual ones, purchase a new toy together, choose a sexy movie to watch, read erotic literature aloud. There are endless possibilities, just be creative and be willing to give it a go. 

3. Flirt with your partner - this is often over-looked in a relationship when we are feeling comfortable but the purpose of flirting is to show your partner you find them attractive and to be playful. Most of us experience desire when we feel desired and flirting is so important in that process. However you flirted with your partner when you first met, bring some of that back.  

At the end of the day, bringing sexual desire back into a long-term relationship is tricky. So, try some of my tips but also know that is help available. Call me or email me if you would like to talk about I can help!

Talking with Kids about Sex (insert shocked emoji here)

The thought of talking to your kids about sex is one thing guaranteed to make most parents shudder and think up every reason/excuse to avoid. Most parents wish they felt more comfortable to talk about sex with their kids, but don't really know how to bring it up or even how much information is appropriate. The studies show that children, especially adolescents, seek out information about sex and relationships primarily through their peers and the media. Is that the source of information that you trust? Do you really want the media e.g. pornography, teaching your child about sex? I bet not. The fact is (and studies support this) that teaching adolescents to avoid sex doesn't actually lead to them avoiding sex. Shocking right? In fact, it does the opposite. Teaching abstinence leads to sex with multiple partners, more at-risk sex and ultimately a not-so-postive experience of sex. On the other hand, teaching adolescents about healthy sexual behaviour has the desired effect of delaying first sexual experience, fewer sexual partners and engaging in safer sex practices. 

As I've previously spoken about on this blog, most of us haven't had the best of sex education and most of our parents were as awkward as we now are with talking about sex. Parents often ask me;

How should I bring it up?

What should I say?

How much information is too much? 

They don't need me to talk about it do they?

The good news is you don't have to have all of the answers and be able to do this PERFECTLY before you even try. The absolute best way to provide sex education to your children is simply being open to talking about topics that may feel awkward. Children, in particular, ask questions. SO many questions. Why is the sky blue? Why do I have to eat vegetables? WHY WHY WHY? So the trick is, when they inevitably ask you questions about sex and relationships, the best way to respond is with facts, but also, with an open, comfortable demeanour which shows them they can ask you any question about this area and wont be shamed or shut down.

If you have younger children, the best way to start healthy sex ed, is by naming their body parts by the correct terms and teaching them about body rules. For example, calling their penis a penis instead of willy, pee-pee etc and also reminding them that no one can touch their penis without their permission and they cannot touch other peoples private parts either. Children are never too young to know about body parts and body rules. 

If you have older adolescents, who inevitably laugh in your face if you ask them about sex, you may have to be a bit more tricky. While you are driving with them, or cooking, or some other non-confronting situation, ask them how they are going with relationships. Start broad, but then sharpen your questions to being more specific. Ask them how they feel about having a sexual relationship and what they know about it. Again, being comfortable and open is key here. They may even bring up a friend's relationship or situation and this also a good way to have an open discussion and find out how your teenager feels about sex and relationships. The key in adolescence is talking about experimentation, consent and self-esteem. 

Overall, the trick with talking to kids about sex is being open and feeling comfortable to talk about anything (at least appearing comfortable, even if inside you are freaking out!!). If you are after more information, Talk soon Talk often is a fantastic resource put together by the WA state government which has loads of info on what to talk about in each developmental stage. 

Happy chatting! 

We are witnessing a revolution....

You must have been living in Siberia with no access to the outside world, if you haven't come across the #TimesUp and #MeToo movements. In case you have just returned from Siberia and have clicked on to my page as a way of updating yourself with the happenings of the world (totally would happen), here's a quick overview.

Women, particularly in Hollywood have been speaking up and effectively removing the silence and shame around the sexual harrassment & abuse they have been suffering at the hands of powerful men all these years. They are speaking up about the pressure to sleep with directors/other people in power in order to get jobs and also sexual harrassment & abuse being a core part of the industry that people have turned a blind eye to forever. In turn, this is causing women from different industry's and women in general, to speak about the sexual abuse they have experienced, which is, very importantly, ending the silence on something that has never been spoken about in our society. 

To say that I am thrilled about this movement is an understatement. I have worked in the area of Sexual Assault and with Sexual Assault survivors for quite some time now and when people have asked me what I do for a job, my answer shuts the conversation down. I've witnessed people feeling too uncomfortable to talk about sexual assault and, if you dare comment on the patriarchal culture that enables sexual assault, you are written off as an anti-men, ranting and raving, raging feminist. I've also witnessed the shame that survivors feel in not being able to speak up about their experiences because of the victim-blaming culture that will respond to them.

For me, as a woman, I have experienced sexual harrassment in almost every workplace I have been in, as well as in gyms, on the street, in restaurants. It has been a part of growing up female from the time I was 13. And I am not alone. Every woman I have spoken to speaks of the same experience. Most of us have had that moment when an inappropriate remark is made and we laugh awkwardly and try and remove ourselves from the situation. I re-call being at the gym with a personal trainer when another gym member approached us and made a sexual remark about me and the trainer. I froze. I didnt know how to respond but I also didnt feel I could speak up, due to fear of offending him. Hear that, he was offensive to me but I didnt want to tell him it wasnt ok, as I didnt want to upset him!! So I laughed awkwardly and moved to a different area of the gym. I felt ashamed that I hadnt spoken up. Even my trainer said he didnt know what to say so said nothing. This is the kind of harrassment that so many of us deal with on a daily basis. So yes, thrilled about this huge movement and the revolution that will change the culture for our daughters and their daughters, is an understatement.

I just have one gripe. The women of Hollywood are our most elite group of women in the world. They are beautiful, talented, wealthy - the trifecta of perfection for women. The majority are also very white. Women all over the world have been banging the drum of female equality for many many years now. These are ordinary, yet extraordinary, women who are from all different classes, races, cultures. And yet, the message has only been heard when spoken by our most elite group of women. That just rubs me the wrong way and takes some of the shine off what is an epic movement happening right now.

Anyway. My hope is that our daughters and their daughters will not feel the shame of sexual abuse and harrassment. That they will feel they can speak up and name it when someone says something inappropriate to them. That they are not sexualised while engaging in day-to-day activities. And ultimately, that the culture that enables sexual assault is shattered and replaced by a culture that supports and upholds equality. Because that is the world we deserve to live in.

#TimesUp