When Sex Becomes Goal-Orientated

Deciding to bring a new life into the world is an exciting time in a relationship. You may have decided which room will be for the baby, how you would like to discipline, who will have the most time off work. And the actual baby-making part starts out really exciting and somewhat more special than before you decided to have a baby. Until it's 10 months in with no pregnancy in sight. It's similar to when you are trying to achieve something from sex itself, like an orgasm. You do all the research on what might promote you experiencing an orgasm and then somehow, after trying for a while, sex just becomes unenjoyable. Whether you are tracking your ovulation and timing sex around that or focusing on enjoying sex so much so you can experience an orgasm or any other goal that is linked to sex, many people will find sex becomes a chore, which will effect their experience of desire and arousal. It is something you have to do rather than something you want to do. 

Goals and sex just don't seem to work. And yet, goals in other areas of life seem to be quite helpful. Here are some of my tips for bringing enjoyable sex back in.

1. Hold the goal in your mind as something you would like to experience but not the reason for sex. For example, know in your mind when you are ovulating but focus on the other enjoyable parts of sex throughout your cycle. You may actually find you naturally want to have sex more often when you aren't focused on having sex today because it's 3 days before ovulation. 

2. Think of all the reasons you enjoy sex, even when you don't achieve your goal immediately. Is it the connection with your partner? Or how touch feels for you? Is there a particular position that you really enjoy? There are so many great things about sex, it would be hard to say that your goal is the only reason for having sex. If it is, then this probably says more about what is happening for you and your relationship, which is a whole other topic. 

3. Try different things. Maybe introduce some toys or a new location. They say change is as good as a holiday. 

4. On that note, go on a holiday! The best sex usually occurs when both people are relaxed and able to focus on connection. 

5. Focus on doing other enjoyable activities with your partner. Spend some time bushwalking or cooking together. Just having an activity that promotes connection and relaxation can be helpful. 

6. Most importantly - be realistic about your expectations of your sexual activity. Sex isn't always going to be mind-blowing, sometimes it is good-enough and that's ok. 

If after all of these suggestions, you are finding that your desire and arousal is still not as you would like it, contact Kristen Campbell to discuss how she can help.

 

 

 

Having a crush when you are in a relationship...

Last week I wrote about infidelity and while having a crush can be on the same pathway to infidelity, it can simply be a bit of fun and fantasy. A popular idea of being in a committed relationship is that your eye will not stray and you will only have fantasies about your partner. In reality, we are sexual beings and from time to time, it is normal to feel attracted to someone else. How you then act on that attraction will be the defining factor. 

A crush is usually defined as a brief, but intense attraction to somebody. You may find yourself caught up in the ego-boost provided by someone who is flirtatious with you or who engages in stimulating conversation, which could be very different to a long term partner where things can get into a predictable routine. There are a few no-no's though if you don't want to find yourself on the slippery slope to infidelity:

1. Put boundaries around the crush: it's ok to have an ego-boost when you see that person.  Enjoy the conversation and the enjoyable feeling but don't push the relationship further by meeting them for coffees, lunches or dinners outside of times when you would normally see them. 

2. Do not complain about your partner or your relationship. This could give the other person the impression that you may be available. 

3. Be transparent with your partner. If it is safe to do so, let them know you are experiencing a crush, which is a brief fantasy, but that you are committed to your partner. This may bring up feelings of jealousy from your partner so be prepared to spend some time talking about this.

4. Be aware of signs that you are unhappy in your relationship. If you find yourself not enjoying your time with your partner or comparing them to your crush, address this as the issue. It is one thing to have a brief attraction to another person, but it is a different thing if you are looking for another potential partner. 

5. Know there is a difference between having a crush and an emotional affair. It is one thing to have a little fantasy about another person but imagining your life with them and constantly thinking about them is usually a sign that there are deeper feelings which need to be addressed. 

The biggest rule is around honesty. If you are honest with yourself and your partner and able to communicate about issues that arise from having a crush, then that is a good sign. 

Beyonce and the bigger Infidelity question..

Ever since Beyonce released her new album, Lemonade, a few weeks ago it’s been hard to avoid a conversation that didn’t involve the question around Beyonce and Jay-Z’s marriage and infidelity. Which has led to an even more common question: can a relationship survive a partner cheating?

While for some the answer is quite black and white; many people will have an opinion on this and will be able to say yes or no. In reality, it is usually a bit more grey and people who thought they had a firm opinion on the issue will find themselves in doubt of that opinion. My answer is maybe.

Cheating is a spectrum, ranging from online emotional affairs, to engaging in long-term relationships concurrently to the primary relationship. I have heard a lot of people say they could forgive a one night stand, as opposed to a long term affair. Again, in reality, it is quite challenging no matter where on the spectrum the cheating fits, as it involves a breach of trust which seeps into the entire relationship. It brings up questions around desire, attraction, respect, love and comfort.

Surviving infidelity in a relationship is based on many factors but the most important, in my opinion, is both parties’ willingness to work through the issue despite how confronting and challenging it will be, as well as the lengthy amount of time it will take.  Many couples will seek the support of a professional and if each person comes into a counseling session with a willingness to participate in repairing the rupture within the relationship caused by the cheating, then we are already on track to surviving. On the other hand, if one person in the relationship is continuing to be dishonest, even if it is not about the cheating, then it won’t work.

Getting through infidelity takes honesty, the ability to sit through all the questions that comes from the other person regaining trust and being able to turn toward the relationship to focus on regaining intimacy and respect. There will inevitably be questions about whereabouts, who the other person is with, what they are doing and so on, as well as questions about the infidelity itself. Usually this goes on for a period of time before enough evidence is gained for trust to be re-built. 

Another crucial part of healing is being able to put time and energy back into the relationship, including participating in enjoyable activities together, sitting and talking (not about the cheating) and learning how to communicate with one another. A crucial skill to be built is being able to have arguments that don’t bring up the infidelity, which takes restraint and practice.

In summary, infidelity is not necessarily a deal breaker in a relationship, but as Beyonce so beautifully exhibits on her album, it is a process that takes time, commitment and energy and it will change the relationship, but hopefully the change will be for the better. 

Next week's blog will be a bit of a continuation and will involve a post about having a crush on somebody else while you are in a relationship.. stay tuned!

Is Porn Really The Problem?

I have noticed lots of media and articles talking about the impact of pornography on our society, particularly relating to children’s exposure to pornography, porn addiction and how porn use leads to people committing sexual crimes.  Sure, I agree that pornography is more accessible than ever due to internet and smart phones and yes there are problems with porn use, particularly overuse, but surely it still comes down to parental and self responsibility?  I often find myself ranting when someone brings up this topic so will try to contain my rant in this post.

As human beings, we always seem to be looking for something or someone to blame. It’s the fast food world’s fault that we are obese, the Kardashian’s have made us all become brain-less and one didn’t have sex often enough so the other cheated. Sometimes it’s easier to place blame and responsibility anywhere except where the responsibility lies – on yourself. The same could be said for porn.

Sure, most mainstream porn isn’t great. It usually depicts men as rock-hard sex Gods who last forever while the woman is merely on the Earth for his pleasure. She has a perfect body, with perfectly perky breasts, a flawless vulva and seems to ‘Oh’ and ‘Ah’ whenever touched. It definitely sends the wrong messages, when we are thinking about accurate sexual information – for the record the average time for a man to go from penetration to ejaculation is 3 to 6 minutes – and does nothing to improve gender and sex stereotypes.  Also, there are some interesting studies showing the porn is leading to young men experiencing erectile dysfunction due to the changes that occur in the brain in response to viewing porn excessively. But it is a choice to view it and be entertained by it. There are plenty of options to choose from, if mainstream porn isn’t for you. There are also lots of ways to avoid it if you so choose. Children should be appropriately supervised when they are using the internet and there should be restrictions on their internet use, to prevent them accessing porn sites. This usually means that parents have to be up to date with protective measures and be willing to supervise. .

In regards to porn leading to violence against women, I agree that porn normalizes treating women as sexual objects, but again I come back to personal responsibility. There are plenty of men in the world who watch porn and do not harm women or anyone else. It is absolutely a choice to harm another human being and blaming violence on a form of entertainment is depriving the person from taking responsibility for their action. I definitely agree that some porn depicts violence or actually is violent against women and I don’t think this should be available, like porn involving children and animals shouldn’t be available. Unfortunately, it is near impossible to police and it does come down to taking personal responsibility for not viewing porn that is illegal and degrading to others.

Overall, porn can be a healthy addition to a healthy sex life, as long as it is porn that is legal, is used in moderation and portrays healthy sexual activity and the individual using it has the ability to realize that porn is just like any other movie, it doesn’t necessarily depict reality. In a world where we have so many choices, porn is just another choice, but it is us who have the choice and the power to allow porn into our and our children’s lives.

Here is an interesting Ted Talk on porn, if you are interested in hearing some of the challenges to studying porn use.  http://yourbrainonporn.com/garys-tedx-talk-great-porn-experiment

What Is Normal and Satisfactory?

As a sex therapist, people often ask me what is normal in terms of sexual activity, particularly when it comes to how many times in a week couples should be having sex. There are so many misconceptions around people’s sex lives, based on what we see on television, in movies and magazines and comparisons with our friends. The answer is quite simple really: there is no such thing as normal for all, only normal for you.

If you think about mainstream television and movies, the typical sex scene is between a man and a woman and usually involves kissing in a passionate, highly coordinated way, before then moving into sexual intercourse, usually in the missionary position. It all looks really beautiful, intimate and, of course, mind-blowing, with perfect lighting and designer lingerie. In reality, couples aren’t only heterosexual and sex is, more often than not, squeezed in between caring for children, work commitments, health issues, extra-curricular activities, cooking, cleaning and watching favourite television shows. 

However, satisfaction with your sex life often has a lot to do with having realistic physical, relationship and psychological expectations. What are you expecting within your relationship? How have those expectations developed? Are they realistic? One of the most defeating expectations is that sex will be perfect or mind-blowing each and every time. In reality, it isn’t because life gets in the way!

Enter the ‘Good Enough Sex’ model. This means that sex should still be enjoyable, but should be focused on building intimacy, playfulness and connection rather than it being a race to achieve the perfect orgasm. A key part of this model is individual’s taking responsibility for pleasure, rather than relying on their partner to give them pleasure. It’s also important to realise that great sex doesn’t only happen when you are having intercourse – the pathway to sex can start at any time of day. For example, you and your partner may share a cuddle at breakfast and send flirty text messages through the day. Or another tip is to decide on an object together, that when one person leaves it somewhere in the house that the other will see, it acts as a message that you are in the mood for some intimate fun. Make sure it is an obvious object that you would definitely notice, but also out of reach of the children so they cant accidentally put it somewhere around the house! Little changes like this increases playfulness and connection between partners and builds excitement and intimacy.

At the end of the day, the most important thing is to communicate and negotiate expectations with your partner and find a balance that you are both happy with, bearing in mind that life brings about lots of changes, which need to be adapted to as they happen.