I was recently listening to Esther Perel's podcast 'Where Should We Begin', a podcast in which each episode is a different couples therapy session. These are real sessions with real people and I absolutely recommend it for anyone who is wanting to learn about couple's issues, hear what a session looks like or are just nosy :-)
Anyway, one of the couples were coming to see Esther beacause they had no sex in their relationship. They had grown up in very traditional, religious families where sex was forbidden until marriage. However once married, sex became quite uninteresting to them both and was avoided. This is not an uncommon story, relationships where sex has become a rare chore is one of the most common reasons people come to see me.
Sometimes, sex hasnt ever been a part of the relationship due to lack of interest or medical issues, but other times sex started out enjoyable, but as time has gone on, sex is no longer a part of the couple's life. So many emotions come from this: guilt, resentment, anxiety, anger, sadness. And usually also grief. Individuals usually miss the part of themselves that enjoyed sex, that felt wanted and enjoyed wanting someone else, the fun of it and the closeness they experienced with their partner.
It can seem so daunting to start to think about having sex again, that often it is avoided due to not knowing where or how to start. Here are 3 suggestions for dealing with sexlessness in a long-term relationship:
1. Talk about it - pick a time and space (driving in the car is often a comfortable place for both partners) and have a conversation about how you both feel about the lack of sexual contact. Focus on really listening and understanding where your partner is coming from and avoid any defensiveness about the issue. Once you are able to get an understanding of how you are both feeling, you can begin talking about what you would like to do about it.
2. Choose a time to be intimate with one another, without any plan to have sex. Start by doing an enjoyable activity together (going for a swim, taking a walk, cooking a meal), then lie down with one another and touch each other. You dont have to touch genitals or erotic areas, it can just be massaging each others back, legs, arms. See where this leads, but without expectation. Focus on being mindful, focusing on just the present moment.
3. Book an appointment with a sex therapist - it can be really helpful to have a space where you both can come to talk about this issue and be guided with ways of increasing satisfaction within the relationship. We can talk about how you got where you are, where you would like to go and develop an action plan to get there. Having someone external to the relationship can be helpful to keep you on track and consistent.
Have a great week!
Kristen