I was shocked and distress over the past couple of weeks to hear about one of the leaders in the field of trauma being stood down due to bullying allegations. Bessel Van Der Kolk has long been beheld as one of the leaders in trauma research and can be credited for changing the way most of us practice. It is absolutely unacceptable for anyone to bully others, but it stings so much more when the person bullying is someone very well versed in the impact of harm to others. Anybody working in trauma, due to the nature of the work, has a strong understanding of themselves and witnesses first hand what happens, when we treat others in ways that are anything less than with respect and dignity. To then cause harm through actions or words is absolutely unacceptable.
It did get me thinking however. We have so much work to do to change how power is held and abused, and yes this can be about the broader issues of patriarchy and abuse of women, as well as just the lack of empathy when one person harms another. But what about those of us who put these people in power? Van Der Kolk has contributed ground-breaking research, which has changed lives and has changed the way those in therapy roles practice. There is no doubt that that is a fantastic contribution. But the way in which Van Der Kolk was revered and admired may have actually contributed to this abuse of power.
Research shows that when we are given power, that as human beings, we are more likely to take risks we otherwise wouldn't have due to a sense of being invincible and not only that, but our empathy for others actually decreases. Empathy is what stops us from doing harm to others. Being able to understand what it may be like for someone else if we were to put them down, yell at them, humiliate them, is what actually prevents most of us from engaging in that behaviour. Empathy allows us to put ourselves in another shoes. When a bully bullies, they are not considering what this is like for the person they are bullying. They can only have an understanding if they are self-aware and also if they are given the opportunity to understand. However, a person being bullied is far less likely to speak up about how the behaviour is impacting them, if the bully is a person who is admired by others or otherwise has power. The mix of having power and admiration of others is actually the perfect storm where bullying behaviour can occur, which is likely why so many people in powerful positions, like Van Der Kolk, are being caught out.
For us to change this behaviour, we all have a role to play, not just the person who is bullying. We need to consider how admiration and placing people on pedestals actually sets them up to be in a position where they are more likely to harm others. In our everyday lives, we also need to speak up about the impact of the way in which those who have power treat others. I can't tell you how many times I have witnessed examples of this. Most recently, I was waiting for my morning coffee when the owner of a cafe reprimanded the barista in front of me. I could see the barista was embarrassed and doing his best to continue to focus on the task of making coffee. Regardless of the actual issue, it was the way in which he was spoken to and in front of customers. A couple of weeks later I noticed he is no longer working there. In hindsight, I should have spoken up and named the inappropriateness of her behaviour and suggested she discuss any issues in a more private setting. It would have led to me feeling awkward and uncomfortable in that moment but maybe it would have led to a change in how that owner manages her staff. Like many things, this is a matter of discomfort now for bigger change later. That is my commitment and how I will work on stamping out bullying behaviour. I encourage you to do the same.