One of the most common and important aspects of coming to therapy for a sexual difficulty is learning about the difficulty itself, including how it originated and what maintains it. Even more so though, quite often therapy becomes somewhat of an education about sex and over time, it is so obvious that we, as a society, have not had great sex ed.
I'm sure we all remember those classes - my introduction to sex ed happened over two evenings when I was in Year 5 at a Catholic school, where we had to attend the school with our parents and we learnt all about puberty and pregnancy. Not quite sure how pregnancy is the most relevant thing for an 11 year old to learn about, but we went nonetheless. All I remember is sitting next to my best friend, with our parents directly behind us in the next row, and not being able to stop giggling. We were laughing so much so that we were stifling snorts and our shoulders were moving up and down erratically. Which caused our parents to start laughing also. I don't actually recall any of the content but the image of that uncontrollable laughter is etched into my memory for life. Even now, when I see that friend we have a laugh about that moment.
The other memory that stands out is in year 10 being taught how to put a condom on a banana. Mind you, nobody ever told me how to negotiate the use of the condom, either before engaging in sex or in the heat of the moment, so again, I'm not sure what the relevance of teaching how to put one on a banana was either.
Sadly, my experiences of sex ed are not uncommon. Most people I meet, of all ages, have had some variation of these classes and they stand by the fact that, yes they learnt about STI's and contraception, but nobody ever taught them about such complex things as giving and receiving pleasure or negotiating sexual activity. Even more concerning is that there really wasn't any education about navigating consent. On a side note to that, check out this wonderful little video about consent.
So it's no wonder that many people I see are still struggling with the idea of giving and receiving pleasure, and they seek out information from anywhere, with pornography being the most common. Now I don't know about you, but I don't really think that mainstream porn is the place to receive an education. With all the bleached anuses, perfect bodies and lack of bodily fluids (except for the famous money shot of course), it's just not representative of the real world. Not to mention the horrific gender bias. Porn is entertainment, in no different way to the latest Tom Cruise movie or the latest episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. It would be much more helpful to have a conversation with your friends, to hear what they are up to, however, they are likely to be in the same position as you!
Sex therapy, therefore, is often a great place to receive sex education. We talk about pleasure, consent, intimacy, connection, exploration of sexual self, in addition to the sexual health stuff of course. We often talk about basics such as anatomy (what is what in the genital area) and encourage communication about likes and dislikes. It is a safe place, where there is no judgement on what you know or don't know, but all about getting you to a place where you feel confident and competent. Have a think about your sex education and if you would like to know more, feel free to contact me for an appointment in either Shellharbour or Nowra.