It's no secret that I am a HUGE fan of Brene Brown. She caught my attention when she gave a TED talk (see here) which went viral, putting her and her work on the map. Since then, I have read her books and listened to other talks she has, which go into much more depth about the role of shame and vulnerability in living joyful, whole-hearted lives. It got me thinking about the role of shame and vulnerability in relationships.
Have you ever experienced a moment in a relationship where you felt incredibly vulnerable? Perhaps you have had sex for the first time after having a baby or you initiated a new sexual position? Maybe you met the in-laws or your partners friends? There are so many times in a relationship that we put our most vulnerable selves out there. So many times that we may not even be conscious of it.
Vulnerability is integral to connection, which is obviously vital in a relationship. But how was this vulnerability met? Hopefully, your vulnerability has been respected and treated as the precious thing that it is. However, I am fully aware that so many people are carrying around shame which has started from a moment in a relationship, when their vulnerability was not treated with the respect it deserves. I have heard stories where men have been laughed at when they haven't been able to get an erection. Or yelled at when they have come too soon. These moments cause a lifetime of shame, a sense of not being good enough.
Vulnerability is certainly not an easy thing to lean in to - most of us run from it as though its the most scary thing we have ever encountered. And yet, when I look back on my life, the most memorable, rewarding moments are those in which I felt excruciatingly vulnerable. Having the courage to tell a boyfriend I loved him, before he said it first. Making a new friend by being the one to initiate a coffee date. Moving to another state when I knew no one. Travelling on my own to another country. The entire process of becoming a mother. All are moments where you risk rejection and subsequent shame, and yet these are the moments that actually make life meaningful. Without them, we just skim the surface and are constantly protecting ourselves from what may be.
The thing that has helped me the most when I feel vulnerable, is to actually recognise it and resist the urge to run away by not speaking up, leaving the situation or not being myself. Brene talks about a mantra that she uses - I have been trying it out and finding it hugely helpful. When that sense of vulnerability comes along and you have an urge to avoid, say to yourself, "don't shrink, don't puff up, just stand in your space". What that actually means is don't under-sell yourself by not talking or not telling the whole story, but also don't over-sell yourself by making yourself appear cocky. Just be you. In your honest, genuine way.