As a sex therapist, people often ask me what is normal in terms of sexual activity, particularly when it comes to how many times in a week couples should be having sex. There are so many misconceptions around people’s sex lives, based on what we see on television, in movies and magazines and comparisons with our friends. The answer is quite simple really: there is no such thing as normal for all, only normal for you.
If you think about mainstream television and movies, the typical sex scene is between a man and a woman and usually involves kissing in a passionate, highly coordinated way, before then moving into sexual intercourse, usually in the missionary position. It all looks really beautiful, intimate and, of course, mind-blowing, with perfect lighting and designer lingerie. In reality, couples aren’t only heterosexual and sex is, more often than not, squeezed in between caring for children, work commitments, health issues, extra-curricular activities, cooking, cleaning and watching favourite television shows.
However, satisfaction with your sex life often has a lot to do with having realistic physical, relationship and psychological expectations. What are you expecting within your relationship? How have those expectations developed? Are they realistic? One of the most defeating expectations is that sex will be perfect or mind-blowing each and every time. In reality, it isn’t because life gets in the way!
Enter the ‘Good Enough Sex’ model. This means that sex should still be enjoyable, but should be focused on building intimacy, playfulness and connection rather than it being a race to achieve the perfect orgasm. A key part of this model is individual’s taking responsibility for pleasure, rather than relying on their partner to give them pleasure. It’s also important to realise that great sex doesn’t only happen when you are having intercourse – the pathway to sex can start at any time of day. For example, you and your partner may share a cuddle at breakfast and send flirty text messages through the day. Or another tip is to decide on an object together, that when one person leaves it somewhere in the house that the other will see, it acts as a message that you are in the mood for some intimate fun. Make sure it is an obvious object that you would definitely notice, but also out of reach of the children so they cant accidentally put it somewhere around the house! Little changes like this increases playfulness and connection between partners and builds excitement and intimacy.
At the end of the day, the most important thing is to communicate and negotiate expectations with your partner and find a balance that you are both happy with, bearing in mind that life brings about lots of changes, which need to be adapted to as they happen.