Ever since Beyonce released her new album, Lemonade, a few weeks ago it’s been hard to avoid a conversation that didn’t involve the question around Beyonce and Jay-Z’s marriage and infidelity. Which has led to an even more common question: can a relationship survive a partner cheating?
While for some the answer is quite black and white; many people will have an opinion on this and will be able to say yes or no. In reality, it is usually a bit more grey and people who thought they had a firm opinion on the issue will find themselves in doubt of that opinion. My answer is maybe.
Cheating is a spectrum, ranging from online emotional affairs, to engaging in long-term relationships concurrently to the primary relationship. I have heard a lot of people say they could forgive a one night stand, as opposed to a long term affair. Again, in reality, it is quite challenging no matter where on the spectrum the cheating fits, as it involves a breach of trust which seeps into the entire relationship. It brings up questions around desire, attraction, respect, love and comfort.
Surviving infidelity in a relationship is based on many factors but the most important, in my opinion, is both parties’ willingness to work through the issue despite how confronting and challenging it will be, as well as the lengthy amount of time it will take. Many couples will seek the support of a professional and if each person comes into a counseling session with a willingness to participate in repairing the rupture within the relationship caused by the cheating, then we are already on track to surviving. On the other hand, if one person in the relationship is continuing to be dishonest, even if it is not about the cheating, then it won’t work.
Getting through infidelity takes honesty, the ability to sit through all the questions that comes from the other person regaining trust and being able to turn toward the relationship to focus on regaining intimacy and respect. There will inevitably be questions about whereabouts, who the other person is with, what they are doing and so on, as well as questions about the infidelity itself. Usually this goes on for a period of time before enough evidence is gained for trust to be re-built.
Another crucial part of healing is being able to put time and energy back into the relationship, including participating in enjoyable activities together, sitting and talking (not about the cheating) and learning how to communicate with one another. A crucial skill to be built is being able to have arguments that don’t bring up the infidelity, which takes restraint and practice.
In summary, infidelity is not necessarily a deal breaker in a relationship, but as Beyonce so beautifully exhibits on her album, it is a process that takes time, commitment and energy and it will change the relationship, but hopefully the change will be for the better.
Next week's blog will be a bit of a continuation and will involve a post about having a crush on somebody else while you are in a relationship.. stay tuned!