Engaging in intimacy and sexual activity when you have experienced sexual assault can be one of the more daunting aspects of healing. When I worked for a sexual assault service, the general consensus was that finding a healthy sexuality and sexual relationship was the 'last frontier' of recovery, after all the more obvious trauma responses had been addressed. It was also the area that most counsellors lacked confidence and that people in general are not comfortable to talk about, therefore counselling would often finish before it had been discussed.
For many survivors of sexual assault, engaging in sexual activity can be like re-living the assault. Often the vulnerability of being touched while naked can be so triggering and can cause a trauma response. Lots of people tell me they experience a 'freeze' response, or they don't feel in their bodies while having sex with their partner. This often leaves the person feeling as though they are never going to recover. I also hear survivors of sexual assault talk about when they are triggered, during sexual activity, they feel embarrassed to tell their partner so they just continue. When this happens, there is a high potential for creating a sexual difficulty, due to the likelihood of experiencing pain or forming pathways in your brain which will block enjoyment of sex. I also worry about this causing further trauma and thus, exacerbating any trauma responses the person may already be experiencing. This is very tricky to address and I highly recommend you do so with the help of a professional. However, if you are wanting some ideas on where to start, here are my tips on how to promote a healthy sex life, when you have previously experienced a sexual assault:
Before:
- Learn how to be present - this is the number one rule for recovering from trauma and managing triggers. Learning how to be 'here and now' enables you to develop safety, by allowing your brain to realise there is no danger to your safety right now. When you are triggered by a sight, sound, taste, touch or smell, it is your brain activating a memory of something being dangerous. Learning how to ground yourself, focus on your breath or focus on an object helps your brain and body know that you are safe now. This is really important for general wellbeing, but also for sexual activity.
- Before even being with a partner, spend time getting to know your own likes and dislikes. This may include how you like the room to be set up, what you like to wear or not wear, how you like to be touched. Lots of people find that starting with self-exploration is the safest place to start, as you are in total control and don't need to worry about someone else.
- Assess if your partner is supportive - even if you don't want to disclose, you can get an understanding of their likelihood of being supportive in the event that you needed them to be. How attentive are they to your needs? Do you feel pushed into having sex or performing certain sexual acts? How do they talk about other people who have difficulties, do they seem judgemental of them or do they speak in a positive and respectful way? If you are noticing any 'red flags' that tell you not to trust this person, this is a good indication that they are not the person to be starting a sexual relationship with.
- Set the stage for being able to communicate likes & dislikes - maybe even start with non-sexual touch to practice communication about touch, if you feel comfortable to do so. Touch parts of your partner's body and allow them to touch you. Being explicit about what you like is always helpful, saying things like "that feels good" "I like that". If you aren't liking something, direct your partner and say "I like it better when you do this..."
- Check in with yourself - how are you feeling? Are you noticing any tension or anxiety in your body? Anything that will tell you that you need to slow down? Managing your own anxiety during sexual activity is so important, so that you can be aware of when you need to slow down or take a break.
Stay tuned for Part 2 where I talk about managing triggers during sex and how to promote a healthy sex life in the long term...