Last week we started the conversation about managing feeling triggered by sexual activity, when you have experienced sexual assault. We have covered what to do before you have sex, today we are talking about what to do during sex and how to promote a healthy sex life in the long term. If you need a recap on Part 1 click here..
So you have prepared yourself well and feel ready to move onto sexual activity with a partner? Here's what to do to manage feeling triggered during sex:
- Be mindful - this word gets bounced around a lot and sometimes people confuse it for meditation, but being mindful is really just about being in the moment. Allow yourself to notice what you see, hear, feel, taste and smell while you are with your partner. Practice just noticing what is happening, without any judgement of yourself. If you notice a critical or worry thought, just notice it and come back to what you can feel. Getting into your head, or spectatoring, is the biggest killer of arousal and is guaranteed to stop you feeling pleasure.
- Go at your pace - don't feel as though you have to try every position or do everything that you could be doing. Notice what you enjoy and what turns you on and stick with that.
- Stop and reset if you need to - if you notice that you are starting to feel anxious, distressed or out of your body, STOP. Let your partner know you would like to take a minute and lay together (or whatever plan you made for this situation before you started). If you would like, you can gently touch your partner's arm or other part of their body that feels safe, and allow them to do this to you. Focus on lengthening your breath and using grounding strategies to come back to here and now. Restart if you feel ready again, but also know that you don't have to. This is all about going with what you feel ok with.
If all has gone well and you feel you have had success, afterward it is really important to reflect on that. Think about what you liked, what went well and re-play this in your mind. Re-imagine the positive emotion that you experienced and allow yourself to experience it every time you think about being with your partner sexually. This helps the brain re-wire itself so that sexual activity isn't so anxiety-provoking in future. If you feel that things could have been different, also reflect on this and make a plan for next time, keeping in mind that this is a journey and can take time.
The worst thing that you can do in the long term is avoid sex, if sex is somthing you would like in your life. Avoidance re-inforces to the brain that sex is scary and unsafe, which will maintain the anxiety. It's really important to notice that sex and sexual assault are two very different things, even though the physical act can feel and look similar. Sexual assault is about power, control and disconnection whereas healthy sex creates connection, intimacy and is fun.
At the end of the day, taking control of your sexual self after you have experienced a sexual assault is really tricky and I would highly recommend you work with a professional, if you are finding it difficult to have an enjoyable sex life, after experiencing sexual assault. Feel free to give me a call if you would like to arrange an appointment or talk about what I can do to help.