John and Julie Gottman are considered gurus in couple’s therapy, having developed their own model of therapy used by relationship therapists worldwide. One of their key concepts is that of ‘Perpetual Problems’ in relationships. They say that every relationship has them, the issues that constantly end in gridlock and are a consistent source of conflict within the relationship. Some examples might include aspects of finances, family, parenting. Most people can tell you what they consistently argue with their partner about.
Some couples I see think that a result of counselling will be being able to resolve all issues. The fact is that this is incorrect. Certainly, there are issues that will be solvable and that we can work through in counselling but, there are also problems which do not have a solution that is reasonable for either person. However, this doesn’t mean that there isn’t ways in which communication of these issues can change.
You see, many people come to counselling because they have been unable to effectively communicate about the issues or problems that they are facing. They are becoming stuck in criticism and defensiveness and the conflict itself is usually causing immense distress for both partners, as well as their children and sometimes friends and family. For many people, it isn’t the content of the argument itself that is distressing, it is the actual communication about the issues. This cannot be more true for perpetual problems, as usually after many years of gridlock, the frustration and resentment is high. When emotions run high, we are more likely to use an aggressive tone in our voice, use language that is offensive and critical of the other person and just be all-round difficult to converse with. This will often lead to the person feeling flooded and no longer in control of what they are saying, which often leads to stonewalling by one or both people. Thus; gridlocked.
The thing is with perpetual problems is that when we get down to the nitty-gritty of the problem, it turns out that the problem is linked to a person’s dreams that they have for themselves, their partner and their family unit. An example might be a constant argument about finances. One person believes they should be able to spend what they like within reason, whilst the other person is highly committed to a budget and values saving over spending. They often get into arguments about this, believing that the other person is against them. When we are able to look beyond the content of the argument e.g. different spending and saving habits, then we are able to look at the dreams that inform this behaviour. For the person who values saving, they are seeking security and comfort in their future, whilst the one who values spending is seeking freedom and enjoyment. Security, comfort, freedom and enjoyment are likely to be shared dreams between both people, however they are gridlocked discussing individual behaviour. In counselling, we are able to establish the dreams behind the conflict which then opens up new ways of discussing and compromising.
If you feel that you and your partner are locked in a perpetual problem, feel free to make an appointment to see if we can unlock the dream behind the conflict.
Kristen